Villain Biographies

Candy Cane Queen
aka Ali, PodkayneQ, MoonberryQ
It is a little known fact that Santa and Mrs. Clause had a daughter many years ago. They named her Nancy-Marrie Clause and doted on her like only jolly St. Nick and his wife could. Though her name was never recorded anywhere (what need would there be? The legends of the North Pole were well set in place before Nancy was born!) some intrepid explorers who had already tracked some of the world's most famous game, including unicorns and leprachauns, stumbled over the Clause residence undetected and took a short look, for it was all they could muster. Thus was the knowledge of this girl brought to the world. This, of course, has nothing to do with the origins of the Candy Cane Queen, whom one would think was a long-insane Nancy-Marrie Clause.

The Candy Cane Queen was actually a KGB operative during the final days of the Cold War. She was a highly valued spy, a master of disguise. Entrusted to her was a small group of guerilla fighters to aid her in executing assasination missions. She went on very few records in the U.S.S.R. and always under different aliases, because of the secrecy needed in dealing with such officers.

When she sensed the end of the era coming, rightly assuming that her utility had expired, she exiled herself to the harsh tundra where she learned to live off ice-fishing and snow-hunting. Completely unaware of the global changes taking place around her for almost 3 years, the Candy Cane Queen (then still known only as KGB-UO44782) found her way across the straights to Alaska, over the fabled land-bridge that had sunk centuries prior. Drawing on her ice-fishing skills, she lived hand-to-mouth along Alaska's coastline for another year before scrounging up enough money in odd bills to buy a plane ticket out of the harsh cold. A tragic accident occurred in a severe winter storm, and KGB-UO44782's entire savings were lost in snow and wind. The experience drove her quite mad, and it being the "Holiday Season", she decided to devote her life to taking revenge on the world using the same implements that many associate with holiday cheer.

She rained terror across the U.S.A. on a veritible icing spree, flinging candy canes and confectionary sugar across countless towns and cities. She eventually found her way into the jurisdiction of the JLS and even into our Headquarters! She remains one of our most formidible opponents due to her Russian connections. At one point she even brought Russian surplus tanks to bear against the League.

Dark Lesbianic Mass
aka Ali, PodkayneQ, MoonberryQ
No one really knows where the Dark Lesbianic Mass came from, and those who speculate often fall prey to bouts of paranoia, delusion, and rampant sexual innuendo.

One theory speculates that the DLM is really the restless spirit of Ellen DeGeneres, rising from her bed each night, spreading lesbianic hormones, in the effort to create an audience for her defunct sitcom. Another idea suggests that the DLM was created by Republicans and the religious right, an embodiment of their irrational fear of homosexuality. Perhaps the DLM is not a woman, but rather a pig-headed man creating cheap thrills for men everywhere. Or a maybe just a repressed lesbian looking for a quick date.

Whatever she/he/it is, the DLM has never posed a real threat, except to common decency, something that we at the JLS throughly abhor. Our problem originates in the constant distraction that the DLM provides, as if our own hormones weren't enough. We can be perfectly horny and happy without the DLM.