PhreeForm: ::walks into the headquarters for the first time, banging his boots on the carpet:: Yeesh, what a dump. F T F O I: hey, it's your dump, too. PhreeForm: I'm not sure, i may do one of those off campus residency things. What do you feed a wolf? F T F O I: smaller animals. PhreeForm: Do we have any of those? PhreeForm: ::Looks in the fridge:: I guess we do. Some of them are still twitching. F T F O I: yea, the fridge is not for human food. PhreeForm: ::throws the scraps outt he window:: That'll hold him until he can catch a possum or two. F T F O I: So now it's wolves? PhreeForm: It could be a wolf. Or a dingo. Or one of those other things with four legs and teeth. F T F O I: most animals have four legs and teeth. PhreeForm: Do elephants? F T F O I: yes PhreeForm: then it could be an elephant too. Or are they amphibious? F T F O I: are what amphibious? PhreeForm: Elephants. Or maybe it was hippoes. Or spiders. PhreeForm: Quit asking me these things! Get a freaking encyclopedia! F T F O I: well, spiders don't have 4 legs. PhreeForm: They don't? F T F O I: no. PhreeForm: I could have sworn spiders had 4 arms and 4 legs. Or maybe those were hamsters. PhreeForm: Have you seen my stick? ::Proffers a large wooden staff to him:: F T F O I: ::examines the staff from a careful distance:: weapon? tool? dildo? PhreeForm: Uh, let's stick with weapon and tool for now. Everything else is on a for-rent basis. I designed it myself. F T F O I: what does it...DO? PhreeForm: To be perfectly honest, Im not sure. Im afraid the powers trapped inside could be so powerful they'd cause lions to lay down with lamb chops and plowshares to beat swords and stuff. PhreeForm: Meanwhile I just beat people with it. F T F O I: hm. What kinda stuff did you use exactly, to make such a thing? PhreeForm: Wood... a little bit of dirt... some more wood. I may have drooled on it a little too. F T F O I: you DROOLED...ON DIRT? PhreeForm: No, I drooled onto wood and then mixed some dirt in. Plus I think crumbs of every meal I've ever eaten have probably found their way onto it. F T F O I: okay. as long as you didn't drool on the dirt. Be more careful next time. PhreeForm: Is drooling on dirt a bad thing? F T F O I: YES....dude, that thing could have come alive and beaten you to death! PhreeForm: Dirt and drool can do that? ::Blinkblink:: No WONDER I flunked Bio! F T F O I: ::shakes head:: no...they try not to tell you stuff like that in bio. Students are too likely to do it on purpose...around here, we watch TV lots. PhreeForm: Ergo TV es veritas? F T F O I: maybe. Except Real World 7, which happens to be us. PhreeForm: Im glad it's us. Those losers in Seattle bite. Their too afraid to say how much they hate each other, and how damn horny they all are. PhreeForm: I WANT that redhead. F T F O I: um...you can calm down now. PhreeForm: No, now youve got me going. My watch says it's NASTY TIME! The BOY is getting some tonight! I'm gonna get my FREAK-ON! PhreeForm: Ok, now I'm finished. F T F O I: David, that was truly disturbing. F T F O I: More disturbing than me wearing girls' jeans. PhreeForm: Are you doing that right now? F T F O I: no. PhreeForm: Phew. I probably would have had to beat you soundly if you were. PhreeForm: What exactly do you do around here? F T F O I: Laze. Laze with the TV. Work in the lab, doing experiments that use materials and subjects on the contraband list, watch more TV, kill interns... PhreeForm: And they call you Masochrist? I don't see where the pain comes in.... F T F O I: hey...Masochrist is dead, thankfully. F T F O I: You're not well up on your history, are you? PhreeForm: I read, I just don't remember. It's like aiming a fire hose at a hole in my head. PhreeForm: Was that a mixed metaphor or a dangling participle? F T F O I: both. neither. PhreeForm: Ah. I suppose I need a name and stuff. To strike fear into the hearts of the guy who delivers the pizza while I hit people with the stick. F T F O I: yes...something with a ring, with pizzaz, with honesty. That, or the first thing that pops into your head. PhreeForm: Whenver someone says that, the first thing that always pops into my head is the word "ziggurat." Or "syzygy." F T F O I: well, seeing as I can't even pronounce that second one. PhreeForm: ::sigh:: Siz - uh - gee F T F O I: don't worry, I'll forget. PhreeForm: It means "when the planet's are all lined up in a single plane" F T F O I: ga-hah. Much coolness. btw, What's the phone number for Time Warner Cable? The damn box is on the fritz again PhreeForm: ::shrug:: Not a clue. Wouldn't you rather I hit it with the stick? F T F O I: no...I don't want droolwood near my electronics... PhreeForm: it's been known to fix TV's, cars, stressful marriages... F T F O I: dude...can you call on these powers at will, or do they just kinda kick in wherever? PhreeForm: Do you actually have a broken marriage that needs fixing? F T F O I: no, but the cable...the car (seeing as I don't have a car, that's a problem, right?) PhreeForm: I could hit you, and you'd probably get a car within a few years. F T F O I: DO IT! PhreeForm: Shazam! ::and whammo!!!!:: F T F O I: ::falls down smiling:: PhreeForm: ::kneels over him :: Do you feel more car-oriented now? F T F O I: yes...I feel...like...I could get a Toyota Avalon... PhreeForm: Don't do it, man! Buy American and Americans work! F T F O I: with 6-CD changer...air, power everything... seat position memory... F T F O I: mmm...surround sound... PhreeForm: Be ye not tempted by import cars, lest they brake down and thine mechanic will send away to Nippon for parts thast take 6 months to arrive... That's straight Bible text. F T F O I: but...Japan makes such SHINY cars...like... ::orgasmically:: the Infinity I-30.... PhreeForm: With that pansy English pitchman? Don't do it! Buy a car driven by a guy named Duke, or Buford! PhreeForm: Just think about the towing capacity of a Chevy... You could pull your entire house behind you... F T F O I: but...but...American cars suck ass... F T F O I: And the ones that don't cost just as much as an import PhreeForm: Not cars, O straying son! Think trucks... think vans with big backseats... get the meaning? F T F O I: ::eyes go all distant:: ::hits a memory:: wait a second...what about FRONT seats that let back all the way? PhreeForm: That's the spirit! Think of the wind rifling through your dirty, matted hair as you cruise in your makeout-mobile... PhreeForm: Cant do nothing in a Japanese car! Your date's more likely to get off on the stick shift... F T F O I: hey, my hair's not dirty...I wash it every day PhreeForm: ::dryly:: There are some things washing won't help. F T F O I: ::looks slightly upset:: I try. It's not my fault damnit! It's genetics! PhreeForm: ::thoughtful pause:: We could try genetically re-engineering your hair. F T F O I: wait...you're right...::rushes off to the lab:: PhreeForm: I can help with this! PhreeForm: ::follows him and searches for stuff to use:: F T F O I: ::looks about TBD's workstation:: ::searches drawers for the genetics files:: PhreeForm: We need to replace your oily, ratty genes with long flowing things, like... um... spaghetti! PhreeForm: And lanyard! Yeah! Never have to come lanyard! F T F O I: HELL YEA! PhreeForm: Did I say come? I meant comb. F T F O I: well, either way...lanyard would rock...then I could literally make a new style whenever I wanted! PhreeForm: And that's not all! We don't need to worry about combing if we include a genetic, micro-comb included in EACH hair follicle! F T F O I: yes! F T F O I: ::turns on the lab computers:: PhreeForm: OK then. ::finds TBD's roll of lanyard:: This can be my thank you present. I think you gave me a good name a few minutes ago. F T F O I: I did? well, thanks for the lanyard in any case. Now, we need a sample of this...::cuts a piece from each colour:: and this ::cuts some of his hair:: and...those comb thingies... F T F O I: ::programs the computer for the micro-combs:: PhreeForm: Yes. From this day forth I shall call myself... DROOLWOOD! Unless i'm with chicks, then it's "Big Bossman." F T F O I: Ah!!! cool! PhreeForm: First we'll need to kill your existing hair follicles. Do you have any objection to radioactive pellets? F T F O I: nope. PhreeForm: Neither do I. i eat 'em like candy ::pops a few in his mouth:: Now strap yourself down on the table. F T F O I: ::lays down:: PhreeForm: Vell zen. Before ve begin ze operahshun, Ich have zhust von qvestion for ju. F T F O I: that question being... F T F O I: (what's with all these portugese water dogs?) PhreeForm: is all this considered "male bonding"? F T F O I: no, it's "male bondAGE" PhreeForm: ::considers:: I can live with that. F T F O I: alright. PhreeForm: ::Gives him a solid whap to the head.He is out cold.:: F T F O I: ::head lolls a bit:: PhreeForm: Now, I think we can let the machines do their work. PhreeForm: ::As he leaves, he does not notice one particular light blinking red, slowly.:: PhreeForm: ::Red... red... red...:: F T F O I: ::head lolls to the right and stays::