PhreeForm: Good gravy, woman! Why is their some cowering wretch of a human babbling incoherently and... ::sniffsniff:: reeking of our basement? DoNotExist: That's the anthropomorphic ho. She knows nothing useful. PhreeForm: The who? When did we get one of those? I wanted a Furby! DoNotExist: I think it has something to do with Lampy. PhreeForm: I heard about her. Your boots are very clean. PhreeForm: Has she said anything since you found her? DoNotExist: No, but she has some sort of freakish relationship with at least one nanite. and she refuses to run in a wheel and power my TI-85. PhreeForm: ::takes flashlight out of secret stick compartment:: PhreeForm: ::shines light in hostage's eyes:: PhreeForm: Well, she looks human from here. PhreeForm: Does it speak English? DoNotExist: When it wants to. PhreeForm: ::it's eyes water at least sign of mercy:: PhreeForm: ::It opens mouth to say words:: PhreeForm: ::"Viacom.":: PhreeForm: HOLY SHIT! DoNotExist: Fuck. To the vault! PhreeForm: Did it really say "Viacom"? PhreeForm: Well, no wonder torture wasn't getting you anywhere! It doesn't even speak English! PhreeForm: Where did you find it? DoNotExist: It was on the couch and it spoke to me. DoNotExist: It asked about Krissy. PhreeForm: We have a couch in the vault? DoNotExist: No... WE have an intern and an unidentified male (presumably a captive tech support guy) there, though. PhreeForm: Damn it! the Viacomese have been here! PhreeForm: ::drags thingie by the hair:: C'mon! PhreeForm: I'm getting to the bottom of this.... DoNotExist: ::follows:: PhreeForm: ::mumbles:: Dang friggin Viacomese couldn't leave me alone after Ontario... PhreeForm: Um... What's the combo for the vault? DoNotExist: Let me...::elbows him out of the way:: DoNotExist: Ok, go in. PhreeForm: But you didn't enter a combo... all you did was rub your ass against the door... DoNotExist: That was to distract your prying eyes. Now get in there PhreeForm: ::Shines stick-light into vault, speaks to big one first:: PhreeForm: What are you people doing here? PhreeForm: Is this your spy? PhreeForm: hold the anthropomorphic ho back, Reen. I'm going to attempt to speak their language. DoNotExist: Um. PhreeForm: What? DoNotExist: Nothing. Nothing at all. Go on PhreeForm: ::To the bigger one:: Spirogonometer jeehosophat Veeconga? PhreeForm: ::Silent one is surprised:: PhreeForm: ::"Dingle hopjascot spinkogrammar maquina.":: DoNotExist: ::addresses the guy:: Did you or did you not have a bulletproof television shipped here in exchange for phone sex?:: PhreeForm: ::"Necro gasket ecsigieisit farley nomenclature":: PhreeForm: He says no. DoNotExist: sigh. PhreeForm: He says it was for.... hold on a minute... PhreeForm: Inkle tinkle gammaloop ziggurat mammajamma? PhreeForm: ::shakes his head:: ::"Ich pomenai sookie sookie steppenwolf":: PhreeForm: Uh oh.... I don't think this is good for us or Krissy. DoNotExist: ?! PhreeForm: Grigor handel agualechem jodhpur miscellaneous? PhreeForm: ::"Taiopaka mishy dumont pelier mycucaracha testiklampos. Shaiwonga wurt stinky britches.":: PhreeForm: Jeez, renie, can you believe this? PhreeForm: reen? DoNotExist: Believe what? I was distracted... PhreeForm: Never mind. Continue rubbing your ass on the door. PhreeForm: ::to the man:: Lama wingertinger shoop gollybod operational farzipan-imogena? PhreeForm: ::The man folds his arms and looks away "Sniffer aiur gristle sinew zigazigha":: PhreeForm: OK, this is bad. DoNotExist: What? PhreeForm: ::drops anthropomorphic ho in the vault:: Let's lock the door on our way out. We have a serious problem. DoNotExist: Ok... PhreeForm: Are you sure it's locked? Or should you rub some more ass? DoNotExist: ::kicks Droolwood in the chest:: PhreeForm: ::props himself up with stick:: PhreeForm: That was... uncalled for. PhreeForm: Considering I am the only one who speaks Viacomese. DoNotExist: Rigght. PhreeForm: so you want the good news and the bad news? DoNotExist: Yeah ok PhreeForm: That wasn't a choice. DoNotExist: ::glares:: Speak. PhreeForm: The good news is, Krissy is being treated like a queen. DoNotExist: by what? PhreeForm: By the Viacomese. PhreeForm: The bad news is, the Viacomese ritually sacrifice their royalty. DoNotExist: Why did she go off to Viacom? PhreeForm: I don't think she left voluntarily. The nanite thingy that exploded and cleaned your boots was a duplicate, set to mimic her until being discovered. DoNotExist: Yes, I KNOW. PhreeForm: Viacom is, after all, the most technically advanced nation on earth. DoNotExist: Dammit. PhreeForm: That's not the part I don't understand. PhreeForm: The big silent guy in there is a royal mushroom retainer. PhreeForm: He insists that Krissy actually is the heir to the bloodline. PhreeForm: Are you following this? DoNotExist: Um, sure. PhreeForm: So you see the problem. PhreeForm: Don't you? DoNotExist: Yeah. It's pretty serious. DoNotExist: Well, I GUESS you can have her stereo, but I want the computer. We can do rock-paper- scissors for the comic books. PhreeForm: No, no, no. DoNotExist: You want the computer? DoNotExist: Dammit. PhreeForm: You paid no attention in Global Studies, did you? PhreeForm: ::waits politely while archaic brain cells process the question:: DoNotExist: Look, I'll let you have it, but can I please PLEASE get the playStation games? PhreeForm: Krissy is going to be ritually disemboweled at the new moon! Does THAT interest you in the slightest? DoNotExist: Hey, that means I can take ALL her underwear! DoNotExist: The stuff she didn't take with her, anyway... DoNotExist: Hmmm PhreeForm: ::deep breath:: Follow what I'm saying. PhreeForm: Krissy has been kidnapped by a foreign country. PhreeForm: In her place was left a killer robot designed to kill you. DoNotExist: Kill me? PhreeForm: Yes. Only your impenetrable boots and dirty hair protected you from lasting damage. DoNotExist: Sigh. Are you saying we should try to rescue her? PhreeForm: I'm saying we could at least consider it. PhreeForm: And if it fails, THEN I get her Playstation. DoNotExist: Hey, you think she'd let me have her computer out of gratitude if we succeed? PhreeForm: Tough to say... I don't think "gratitude" is a word Krissy is familiar with. DoNotExist: How about we tell her it spontaneously combusted during her absence? PhreeForm: Hmm... sounds fair to me. PhreeForm: And her Playstation was burned in the fire, right? DoNotExist: Along with all the CDs, yes. Terrible tragedy, but look, we cleaned it all up so you can return to an immaculate room! PhreeForm: We're such good Samaritans. PhreeForm: So a rescue it shall be? DoNotExist: YES!!! I'll go get my atlas... PhreeForm: And I'll beat up the retainer for more info... DoNotExist: K. PhreeForm: And we'd better fuel the JLS Jet. PhreeForm: The JLS has got a jet, don't we? DoNotExist: Um. DoNotExist: Well. PhreeForm: Uh oh.... DoNotExist: We have... a vehicle. PhreeForm: Does it have 450 horsepower and lots of weapons? DoNotExist: It has a 9-month old Starbucks tiazzi in the cupholder... That must be pretty lethal... PhreeForm: No lasers? No transformable land-sea-air equipment? No cloaking field? DoNotExist: We have some chemical weapons, I guess... PhreeForm: Farting? DoNotExist: Well, I was thinking that the rust on the exterior might afflict a foe with tetanus... Or at least a very unpleasant vaccine for the aforementioned... Um.. PhreeForm: Can it fly? DoNotExist: Um. PhreeForm: even at suborbital levels? DoNotExist: Er. You drive. PhreeForm: Does it at least have all terrain tires that lets us drive over treacherous terrain? DoNotExist: You know, I just read that Viacom boasts an excellent public transportation system. PhreeForm: Alright, THAT DOES IT! PhreeForm: Exactly what kind of vehicle does the JLS use? DoNotExist: Well, I suppose you might as well see for yourself. ::walks with him to the garage:: PhreeForm: What on Earth is that? DoNotExist: Our...vehicle. PhreeForm: It's... It's a.... a.... a UNICYCLE? DoNotExist: a bicycle, actually. The other wheel fell off... PhreeForm: A thirty foot tall wheel with a truck cab on top? PhreeForm: Who designed this hunk of crap? DoNotExist: I'm not sure, it's been here for as long as I can remember. PhreeForm: ::shakes his head in disgust:: Does it at least have a motor, or do we need to pedal the damn thing? DoNotExist: I'm not sure. PhreeForm: Has it been used? Like, ever? DoNotExist: I don't know... PhreeForm: Hmph. You get your Viacomese atlas, a dictionary and anything else the library has. PhreeForm: I'll go torture the mushroom retainer. PhreeForm: And then we'll both see if we can get the JLS Shitbox to run. DoNotExist: OK. Meet you back here... eventually. PhreeForm: And then we'll both see if we can get the JLS Shitbox to run. DoNotExist: OK. Meet you back here.