Table of Contents
Last Updated: June 22, 2010
- Scud = Scud: The Disposable Assassin
- LCN = La Cosa Nostroid
- TftVM = Scud: Tales from the Vending Machine
- D&O = Drywall and Oswald
2,927,367,402 years ago
The planet Venus is created. [Scud #11]
Scud #17 - Scud and Sussudio appear with Horse, and Sussudio is paralyzed by a dragon. She is healed by the king's wizard, and in return, Scud agrees to kill the dragon. Scud is accompanied by Sussudio and Raimond, a local knight. Raimond tries to kill Scud. Sussudio kills Raimond, and Scud kills the dragon.
A lifeguard at Palm Springs is killed as the result of a fraternity prank. The beach is closed. It is said that the soulless corpse of the lifeguard still walks the beach at night. [Scud #19]
"Star Wars" is released in theatres. It is directed by George Lucas, and stars Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fisher. The movie goes on to earn nearly $500 million, and is considered the fifteenth greatest movie of all time by the American Film Institute.
The Bobsled High School Basketball team wins the Texas State Championship. [Scud #6]
Scud #19 - Scud and Sussudio appear with Horse in the middle of a volleyball game between a group of nerds and jocks. Scud helps the nerds win, and they invite the pair to their fraternity party on the beach. The party is attacked by a mysterious killer, who is defeated by the soulless corpse/lifeguard that haunts that beach.
"Ghostbusters 2" is released in theatres. The Rapture begins soon thereafter. It is meant to be a three week experiment, but God lets it continue to see what humans will invent next. The Rapture continues past the invention of the ScudCo assassins, the creation of which causes the angels to tell God to end it all, but God is waiting for Satan to make the first move. Satan never shows up to begin Armageddon, so the Rapture continues for years, mutating the planet and it's inhabitants. [Scud #19,20]
"JFK" is released in theatres. The movie is directed by Oliver Stone and stars Kevin Costner and Tommy Lee Jones. [Scud #15]
Anthony Farina is born in New York City to Angelo and Isabella. [LCN #1]
"Batman Forever" is released in theatres. Val Kilmer plays Batman. Directed by Joel Schumacher, the movie also features Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones as the villains. It is a dark day in the history of the Batman franchise. [Scud #15]
Angelo Farina gives his son the nickname "Tony Tastey." [LCN #1]
The Telecom Decency Agency (TDA) is created to monitor communications for indecent materials, such as kiddie porn. [LCN #7]
Telecom Decency intercepts a communiation concerning a drug deal. They give the information to the DEA. [LCN #7]
The TDA becomes an informant agency dealing information to various government branches. Mob bosses are caught in large numbers, causing wars to break out between the families. [LCN #7]
The Cortese Family makes a friendly split from the New York Commission and relocates to Neo Dells. [LCN #7]
Don Salvadore Cortese and sixteen of his men, including Merendino, are busted and sent to Mark Goodson Prison. [LCN #7]
Angelo Farina is killed by corrupt police officers. Tony kills the two cops and is sentenced to ten years in Mark Goodson Prison. There, he is befriended by Don Cortese, who hires Tony to hack computers. [LCN #1]
Don Cortese is paroled. Tony escapes from prison, killing three guards. [LCN #1]
A ScudCo vending machine is delivered to a small Western town and stocked with Scud Assassins: Known Aim Series. In the next thirty years, the machine is used a number of times. One of these jobs is the murder of the the Sweathogs, a local biker gang. One Scud in the machine goes unused for the entire period of time, falling in love with a local woman. [TftVM #2]
Tony Tastey permanently changes his name and his face, and Don Cortese places Tony as his second in command. [LCN #1]
The government rounds up all artists, poets, musicians, and free-thinkers and forces them to relocate to a special camp known as the Haring Sector. One of the artists is an older Jim Mahfood. [TftVM #4]
2016 - 2020
Scud #20 (Black Octopus) - Samantha Gritt sneaks into the Chicago Museum, and steals a large diamond known as "God's Tear." She kills another thief named Tumor. It is her birthday, but her mother is in Neo Dells with Tony and her father is shooting a movie in China.
Eric, a boy in Samantha's social studies class, steals a photograph of Samantha and her father at one of her earlier birthdays. He demands the diamond in exchange for the picture. Samantha makes plans with him for a trade. [D&O #1]
D&O #1 (Black Octopus) - Samantha kills Eric's henchmen, blows up his car, and takes the photograph back.
TftVM #3 - Three demon children get ahold of a Bible and conjure up an angel. The angel hires a Scud: Heartless Series 666 to help the angel escape from Hell. The Scud is assigned to kill the CEO himself, and the angel is killed by lawyers. The CEO cannot be killed because he is already dead, so the Scud self destructs. The Scud goes to Hell, but is saved by Jesus.
Percy Seasons loses her unborn son, Steven. She makes a deal with Satan for her son's life. She has to design a collector for Armageddon, scheduled to begin in two weeks. The collector's job is to gather up all the "stuff" people have created. [Drywall: Unzipped]
Percy creates her first collector, Mess. Mess possesses one half of her unborn son's soul. Mess is rejected. [Drywall: Unzipped]
Two Weeks Later
Drywall: Unzipped - Percy creates her second collector, Drywall. Drywall possesses the other half of her son's soul. He is rejected by Satan, who helps create the third prototype, System. System malfunctions, and places Satan, Mess, and Percy in storage. Drywall escapes. System begins his organization of reality.
Scheduled date of Armageddon. [Drywall: Unzipped]
Fabal, Mith, and Lye wrest control of Heaven from God. They then begin their efforts to initiate the Apocalypse. [Scud #20]
Zach and Natalie meet in the gutter. [TftVM #4]
Feinburg is elected President of the United States. [LCN #8]
Oswald 112263 wins the Mr. Toughguy competition for the first time. A penalty round is issued. [Scud #12]
Oswald wins the Mr. Toughguy competition for the second year in a row. [Scud #12]
3/9 - 4/3
Jeff, a Horseman of the Apocalypse, hatches and devours 23 employees of Marvin Manikans over a three week period. [Scud #1]
Scud #1 - Hershel Roundhead is assigned by Mr. Spidergod to eliminate Jeff. He dispatches a Scud, Heartbreaker Series 1373, to kill Jeff. In the midst of battle, Scud destroys the three other eggs of the Horsemen before they hatch. He also discovers the warning label on his back ("This unit will self destruct upon termination of target"), so he blows off Jeff's limbs and calls an ambulance. Jeff is placed on life support for the price of three franks per month.
Seven Weeks Later (July)
Scud #2,3 - Scud is hired by Tony Tastey to kill Barry Polipooey, a terrorist and leader of the Grittites. Scud sneaks into Mark Goodson Prison, and kills Barry with the third bullet. While escaping from the guards, Scud causes Lieutenant Schwartz to lose his left arm, and Scud is shot in the hand by Captain Jack Jones, frying Scud's contempt unit. Scud goes insane. He escapes in a semi and meets up with the Grittites, who hire him to help with the breakout of their leader, Polipooey. The next day, they travel to the prison in an airship. The Grittites discover what Scud did, and as he escapes, he causes the ship to crash into the prison, destroying everything. There are three survivors.
Chuck Brown, leader of the Grittites, is taken prisoner at Fort Kilmer in Neo Dells. [LCN #1]
One Month Later (August)
ScudCo decides to discontinue the Heartbreaker line of Scuds. [Scud #4]
Scud #4 - Voo-Doo Ben declares war on the Cortese family. He sends a legion of zombie dinosaurs, led by a T-Rex, to kill them. The dinosaurs storm Cortese Tower, and murder the majority of the family. Scud pushes the T-Rex out a window, where it lands on a truck. Scud and four of the remaining Corteses (Doghouse, Forehead, Merendino, and Tony Tastey) activate five big Japanese robots, which merge to form a giant robot known as the "Ladykiller". They kill all the remaining dinosaurs, and save Joey Cortese.
The T-Rex is captured by ScudCo and taken to a nearby ScudCo plant. [TftVM #1]
The Corteses go on vacation in Sandwichland, Hawaii. [Scud #5]
Tony Tastey opens up Tastey Cement in Honolulu. [LCN #2,7]
One Week Later (September)
TftVM #1 - Mr. Bigs, a designer at ScudCo, is fired by his manager, Fromgen. Bigs swears revenge and designs the Scud: $ Series 33177, capable of eliminating mulitple targets. He programs it to kill all Scuds in existence, as well as Fromgen.
TftVM #1 - Scud: $ Series is activated. He kills all the Scuds at the plant, the T-Rex, Fromgen, and himself. The plant is destroyed with a bomb. Bigs is killed by a sniper Scud hired by Fromgen.
ScudCo introduces the new Sol series. [Scud #2,5]
TftVM #5 - Two children have an argument over which Scud is better, Heartbreaker or the new Sol series. They hire a Sol and order it to kill itself. Its initial attempts are failures and result in the death of the two children. The Sol hires a Heartbreaker who realizes that upon termination of its target, it will be terminated as well. The Heartbreaker tries to stop the Sol from completing its mission, but the Sol goes up in a rocket that explodes, destroying both Scuds.
Scud gets fixed up at Vinnie's garage in Neo Dells. [Scud #5]
December 25 (Christmas/Hanukkah)
Scud #5 - Scud sends a postcard to the Corteses in Hawaii. He is attacked by Voo-Doo Ben, and the two battle it out in a department store. Ben hires a Scud Sol to kill Scud 1373. In the battle, Scud receives a large hole in his belly, and loses an arm. Scud uses change from the cash register to hire his own Sols, and they kill Voo-Doo Ben. Meanwhile, Jeff escapes from the hospital, and goes after Scud.
Voo-Doo Ben ends up in Hell, where he meets System. System recruits Ben to help facilitate the Apocalypse, and Ben is sent back to Earth. [Scud #14]
Scud goes back to Vinnie's garage for repairs. [Scud #6]
Scud #6 - Scud recieves a temporary replacement human arm from Vinnie. He gets an agent at ComKilServ, who assigns him to kill six drug dealers in Bobsled, Texas. Scud kills one of them, a dog-headed man named Pavlov. The agent sends Drywall to Bobsled to help Scud. Scud discovers his loner arm belonged to a werewolf. Captain Jack Jones and Lieutenant Schwartz show up at the Cortese compound in Hawaii.
Scud #7 - Drywall arrives at the warehouse where Scud is staying, followed soon after by the remaining five dealers. Scud and Drywall defeat four of them, while their leader, Nathan Twist escapes. Jeff arrives in Bobsled.
Scud #8,9 - Tony Tastey is captured by Captain Jones. Nathan Twist is killed by Jeff. Scud and Jeff fight, and Scud disappears inside Drywall. Jeff follows Scud into Drywall. Drywall is attacked by the residents of the town. Jeff and Scud continue to fight, and Scud escapes, leaving Jeff inside Drywall.
Tony is taken to Fort Kilmer, Neo Dells, Wisconsin. [LCN #1]
Tuesday (Dec 31)
LCN #1 - Doghouse kills Don Kalakanawani. Tony is interrogated by Captain Jack Jones and Mr. Spidergod. He is rescued by the other Corteses. In the fight, Lieutenant Schwartz loses his right arm.
Windows 25 is released in stores. [LCN #9]
Wednesday (Jan 1)
Scud's new arm arrives at Vinnie's garage. They send it to the British Space Force in Houston, Texas. [Scud #6,10]
Thursday (Jan 2)
Scud #10 - Scud and Drywall leave Bobsled with the mayor. They head to Houston to retrieve Scud's real arm. Scud sneaks onto the British Space Station Asgard. One of the astronauts is killed by a fellow astronaut, Edward Lupine, using Scud's arm. Sussudio (aka Samantha Gritt) is hired to eliminate Scud.
Scud #11 - Venus celebrates it's two billion, nine hundred and twenty seven million, three hundred and sixty seven thousand, four hundred and second birthday. Edward Lupine comes into contact with the surface of the moon, de-evolves into Chaos, and destroys Venus. The astronauts use Scud's arm to pull Edward out of the vortex, and Scud reclaims his arm.
Sussudio enters the Mr. Toughguy competition disguised as a bounty hunter named Force Majeur. [Scud #12]
Friday (Jan 3)
The Mr. Toughguy Competition begins. [Scud #12]
LCN #2,3 - Tony is betrayed by an associate, Huge Lucci. His mother is nearly killed, and Merendino is shot. Merendino kills the younger daughter of Don Kalakanawani. Joe flys a shipment to Newcoast, California, and meets Alice, taking her back to Hawaii with him. The Corteses are attacked by the Niao-Ji Tong, who have a giant robot similar to the Ladykiller. They defeat the other robot, and get medical treatment for Merendino. Tony has a party for the governor, and kills Huge Lucci.
Saturday (Jan 4)
LCN #4 - Joe and Alice are attacked by the Niao-Ji in California, and barely make it back to Hawaii. Alice is hurt, and Joey takes her to the family's secret lab. The Niao-Ji trash Tony's house, and kill his girlfriend, Kelly. Fax, Merendino, and Doghouse take out the Kalakanawanis. Tony kills Joe.
LCN #5 - The Niao-Ji attack again, and are defeated by the Corteses, who capture the other robot. One of the Chinese is also captured, and interrogated by Doghouse and Merendino. Alice wakes up with no memory, and Tony teaches her how to fly Joe's robot. Forehead discovers an AI program hidden inside the two macrobots.
In the Mr. Toughguy competition, ScudCo's Sol Model is terminated by Superior Alien Military's Patriot in a round of jack-hammer fencing. [Scud #12]
Sunday/Monday (Jan 5-6)
Scud #12,13,14 - Scud arrives back on Earth in the middle of the Mr. Toughguy Competition, and is drafted by ScudCo to compete. Scud meets Oswald, and gives Oswald his wrist communicator. Scud defeats the S.A.M. Patriot robot assassin, but in turn is defeated by Force Majeur, who is really Sussudio in disguise. She kidnaps Scud and takes him to the Prangles department store in Northbrook Mall, where the two are attacked by Voo-Doo Ben's zombies. Scud is taken to Voo-Doo Ben, who summons up System, the current ruler of Hell. Drywall and Oswald show up to save Scud, and Voo-Doo Ben pulls Jeff out of Drywall.
Scud #15 - Captain Jack Jones and his men show up looking for Scud and Jeff, taking Sussudio prisoner. Scud and Jeff fight a pitched air battle, in which Jones is killed. Sussudio escapes, and causes Jeff to be mortally wounded. Scud asks Sussudio on a date.
These events mark the beginning of the Zombie Zoo War, which lasts five weeks. [Scud #21]
Time freezes, and Scud and Sussudio are met by a mysterious Horse, who takes them to various points in time and space. Horse was sent by the current rulers of Heaven to keep Scud busy while they attended to other matters. [Scud #16,20]
Five Weeks Later (February)
The Zombie Zoo War ends once Mr. Spidergod runs out of money. [Scud #21]
Drywall and Oswald #1 - Drywall and Oswald are on a sailing ship, working as bounty hunters. They capture the Cyber Puma. The pair is assigned by Archangel Montel to protect the Pope from Stealth Druids. Drywall is knocked overboard and washes ashore on the Island of the Thunder Bitches.
A Few Days Later
D&O #2 - Oswald washes ashore on the island of the Thunder Bitches. A mass wedding is planned between Drywall and the tribe and women. They turn out to be a tribe of Cyber Pumas, and Oswald saves Drywall. The pair is saved by the Spider Pirates.
February - July
TftVM #4 - DJ Mindtrip (aka Zach), leader of a revolution in an unnamed city, is kidnapped by aliens called Moglaphytes from the planet Lantis. They want him to crack a computer code that would give them the ultimate weapon to destroy the universe. His girlfriend, Natalie, hires a Scud: Retriever Series 23 to rescue him. The pair travels to Lantis, kill the Mogaphytes, and rescue Zach. Natalie and Zach escape while the Scud self-destructs.
Tony and Alice are married. [LCN #6]
Scud #18/LCN #6 - Tony meets with President Feinburg, and uses the AI to make a campaign contribution. Scud and Sussudio arrive on Horse. Scud and Tony end their friendship. The wedding reception is attacked by a horde of Joe clones, and Scud and the Corteses kill them.
Alice and Merendino begin to have an affair. [LCN #7,9]
LCN #7 - Tony kills the leader of the Niao-Ji Tong. Double A Ken is augmented. Forehead takes Alice shopping, and she kills him. She saves his Ersatz head chip.
Voo-Doo Ben becomes the business overlord of Neo-Dells and buys ScudCo. [Scud #21]
Scud #20 - Horse brings Scud and Sussudio to Heaven. There, they meet the current rulers of Heaven: Fabal, Mith, and Lye. The trio kills Sussudio and convince Scud to destroy the earth. He agrees.
Scud #21 - Scud is put into an egg by Fabal, Mith, and Lye and sent back to Earth to bring armageddon. The egg arrives at Marvin's Manikans, where Hershel Roundhead uses an x-ray machine to discover Scud hibernating inside. He places the egg in the de-incubation chamber in Mr. Spidergod's former office, and it remains there for the next ten years.
Drywall and Oswald attack ScudCo. Oswald is distracted by a pornography magazine and two Scuds get the drop on him. Drywall tries to warn him, speaking English for the first time. Drywall loses an eye and Oswald is killed. [Scud #21]
Tony is gunned down while receiving the key to the city from the mayor of New York. The public believes he is paralyzed. The shooting was staged by Tony, but is blamed on Don Martin Martini Crevacco. [LCN #8]
Tony creates a NYPD task force known as "Black Shields." They tear the New York crime families apart, killing the henchmen and kidnapping the gang leaders. [LCN #8]
LCN #8 - Doghouse executes the kidnapped family heads. Feinburg is re-elected. Tony demonstrates his miraculous "recovery" to the public.
Alice becomes pregnant with Merendino's child. [LCN #9]
LCN #9 - Alice uses the Ersatz chip to browse through Forehead's memories. Doghouse quits. Alice discovers the truth about her past, and attempts to kill Tony. Both of them are shot up badly. Tony finds out she is pregnant.
TftVM #2 - Devil-Eyed Dean, Co-President of Centropolis Pets, arrives at the headquarters of O'Riordan Artificial Pets, and offers to buy the small company. Mr. O'Riordan refuses, and Dean kills him. O'Riordan's daughter hires a Scud: Known Aim Series 020868, who kills Dean. Miss O'Riordan is killed when the Scud explodes.
Voo-Doo Ben tries to dig a tunnel to Hell but only makes it as far as the center of the Earth. [Scud #22]
Scud #21 - Scud hatches from his egg at Marvin's Manikans, where Hershel Roundhead brings him up to speed on the aftermath of the Zombie Zoo War. Drywall appears and attempts to kill Mr. Spidergod, but Scud talks him out of it and they leave together in Drywall's flying car. Drywall tells Scud about Oswald's death.
Scud #22 - Scud and Drywall sneak into ScudCo, where they are met by Voo-Doo Ben. Ben reveals the deal Scud made with the three angels to bring back Sussudio, enraging Drywall. Jeff is released from her tank and attacks Scud and Drywall, eventually activating a cadre of Scud units to join the fray. In the fray Voo-Doo Ben is killed, his blood activating the Hell Window. Through the Hell Window, System grabs Drywall and pulls him inside itself.
Scud #23 - Enraged by the loss of Drywall, Scud attacks Jeff and attempts to kill her, but discovers that he cannot stop her heart from beating. System attempts to end the world itself, but is destroyed from the inside-out by Drywall and Mess. Scud decides to go back to sleep. Hank Gritt shows up on Horse.
Scud #24 - Drywall, Mess, Scud, and Hank Gritt use Horse to sneak into Heaven and begin a full-scale assault. Mess frees God from captivity, and he begins to kill the angels. Mith shows Scud Sussudio's corpse, then attacks him with a sword, inflicting heavy damage. Scud shoves Jeff's heart inside Sussudio, bringing her back to life as Samantha. Samantha kills Mith. Drywall and Mess are reunited with Percy, restoring them to their original forms.
The Cannes Convention Hearings. Conventional warfare becomes obsolete and countries conquer each other by siphoning the economy via entertainment. Movies are the key weapons in these wars. The Cannes Convention provides that domestic movies will be shown in foreign theatres and vice versa. [Scud #16]
The Big Sound destroys the hearing of the entire Blue Star society. Each generation afterwards has to rely on lip reading and bat radar. [Scud #16]
The beginning of the Movie Wars. The strongest nations are the Order of the Blue Star and the United Red Sphere. [Scud #16]
DeMille 15, 0092
The Super Screenwriting Computer, KRYTON, is kidnapped by a Red Sphere task force. [Scud #16]
Scud #16 - Scud and Sussudio arrive on Horse. They are met by soldiers of the Blue Star, who operate a mobile fort. They recruit Scud to help them rescue their screenwriting computer, KRYTON.