Welcome to yet another twisted diversion I have created for myself, an homage to a quite twisted and fucked-up piece of work known as Transmetropolitan. If you haven't the slightest inkling of why you're here, then I will only say that Transmet is a comic that combines the best bits of Hunter S. Thompson with Snow Crash, only with far less taste and tact. That's me being nice, so here's the part where I now tell you to fuck off.
I will not create an entire site dedicated to Transmet, even though I seem to get a decent amount of traffic on this timeline alone and I've been very good about updating. Creating an entire site would require actual work that I don't feel like doing right now. So there.
(T#) = Transmetropolitan
Hans Moravec born in Kautzen, Austria.
Great Mambo Chicken and the Transhuman Condition1
Robert F. Nelson placed into cryogenic suspension. He is the first human being ever frozen for the purpose of later resurrection.
Great Mambo Chicken and the Transhuman Condition
The Word begins publication. (T36)
Mind Children by Hans Moravec is published. The book describes how human consciousness could be downloaded into a computer.
Great Mambo Chicken and the Transhuman Condition
Mary dies, her head is severed and placed in cryogenic suspension. Her husband Stephen dies in Kuala Lumpur three years later. (T8)
Date based on that for real life procedures performed by the Alcor Foundation.
c 150 BT
Mr. Grisham becomes the City's chief pornographer. No one gets off without him knowing about it. (T27)
Mentioned in dialogue.
c 100 BT
A flash fire destroys an entire block, eminating from an apartment in the center of the block, a room completely untouched by the fire. The incident was reportedly the result of several pages of mathematical calculations intended to create a better city. (T42)
The New City Militia launches an attack on Civic Center by firing Cardiac Overclocker Bombs into the building. The staff inside begin ejecting their hearts out through their rib cages. The Militia then fights hand to hand with any survivors. The City goes without government for the next two years while the Militia re-enacts the French Revolution. (T42)
One particular City block begins to have the highest suicide rate in the City, skewing the overall statistics so that the City now has the second highest suicide rate in the world. (T42)
Senator Gary Callahan is born. (T13)
Yelena Rossini is born in the City. Her father is a campaign director. (T15)
Indira Ataturk is born. (T12)
Lauren is born. She will eventually become an infamous bisexual porn star, courtesan, and pagan icon. (T42)
Informational Pollen is banned. It was proven that the substance built up in human synapse gaps and induced an effect similar to Alzheimer's disease. (T9)
The naiveté trait is popular with parents. The trait causes a child to hallucinate that God is speaking to them, dictating what they should and should not do. (T26)
Dingo Baby Leclerc is locked up for breaking into old people's homes and performing exorcisms on the inmates. His therapist recommended it as an alternative to digging up dead people and fucking their bones. Most people are unaware of LecLerc's whereabouts, and assume he just vanished. (T4)
Rory Flanagan Lockwood is born. His genetic structure contains a recessive third-generation iteration of the Conclave modification. (T28)
Tarleton Sweeney is elected senator of Vicarage Hill. (T27)
The alien colony in Old Vilinus is established. The aliens inspire a fashion movement that world culture uses up in two years. (T2)
The Vilinus colony offers their alien genome for sale. Many people use temping technology to transform into aliens, these individuals become known as Transients. (T2)
Matt is born. He will eventually end up in a children's home, selling himself on the street. (T40)
Lorraine Krosh joins the President's rolling reelection squad. (T5)
Spider Jerusalem covers the Presidental election. The Beast is elected over Senator James Longmarch. (T13)
Spider writes an 8,000 word column consisting only of the word "fuck." The column is in response to the election of the President. (T1)
Mentioned by Royce.
The Redchurch Housing Projects are built. The estate is designed for families in poverty, meaning people who voted for the party in opposition to the Beast. The buildings are constructed cheap enough that bullets pass through nine apartments' worth of walls before stopping. (T16)
Spider writes Shot in the Face, a book based on the presidental campaign. (T13)
Assuming a release date sometime after the election.
Spider Jerusalem spends the year in St. Lucia. While there, he is confonted by the French Secret Service assassination device that has persued him for several years. He cuts off its head and allows Mad Georgiou to fuck it in the stump-circuits before dumping it in the water. (T12)
Anti-Trauma Torso Wraps go out of style. (T4)
The Analysis Ethics Commitee bars Lorraine Krosh from doing anything but teaching. (T5)
Spider forgets his name for three days in Budapest. (T51)
Spider induces the suicide of several Prague politicians by telephone. The incident is believed to be apocryphal, but Mitchell Royce knows what happened. (T2, T5)
Spider and Royce escape from Prague in a car full of transsexual temple whores from the Mongolian Church of Howling Genitals. Royce is suffering delusions as the result of a venereal ergot infection. (T32)
The "Glaswegian Kiss" credit card company is created as a front for a crack-baby smuggling operation in Aberdeen. Spider Jerusalem is a card-holder. (T11)
Indira Ataturk is hired as Spider's new assistant. She accompanies him to Miss Jones' Theater. The managers of the establishment use signal floods to manipulate the libidos of their clientele, setting off the signal while Indira and Spider are present. Spider knows about the signal flood, wearing a mood controller and a nervous system buffer to neutralize the signal's effects. Indira is caught unaware, and proceeds to have sex with everyone in the room. A tape is made of her actions and sold for major profits by the managers. Indira becomes famous, and her parents refuse to speak to her ever again. (T12)
Waving and Drowning by Spider Jerusalem is published. (T16)
At some point before Spider suffers the breakdown.
Spider fails to hand in his latest column. Mitchell Royce visits him with a gun, and finds Spider in the bathtub. Spider is covered in regenerative tape set to reinflate and re-wall his veins, shooting heroin into the skin between his toes, bleeding from the eyes because he had rubbed cocaine into his tearducts. (T16)
Spider Jerusalem signs a contract with Driven Press to write two books, one on politics and one on any subject he chooses. He is cut a cash advance, and the publisher figures he will finish both books in the next year. (T1)
Spider retires to the mountain, where he spends the next five years in solitude, shooting at neighbors and fans, eating what he kills and bombing the unwary. He occasionally hangs out at a nearby bar, where he has to pull a gun before changing the TV channel and punch the barman in the neck for a clean glass. (T1)
Spider Jerusalem gets laid. He won't have sex again for another 4 years. (T4)
The Beast is reelected.2 (T13, T16)
Channon Yarrow begins journalism school. To support herself, she takes various jobs, including one semester as a pay-dacoit, and three semesters as a bodyguard. (T4)
Assuming that one semester is equal to six months.
Joshua Shreiber Freeh is grown in a bastard farm by Senator Robert Heller to create a politician with a clean past. Fred Christ pays for his consciousness upgrade. Freeh is elected to the House of Representatives. (T18)
Indira Ataturk begins a six-month relationship with the vice-president of the George Wallace Oncogene Farm. (T11)
Mitchell Royce gets a divorce. (T14)
Fred Christ gets involved with Gary Callahan. Christ receives payoffs from Callahan in exchange for political favors involving the Transient community. These favors include providing Callahan with Transient hookers. (T50)
Transmetropolitan #1-3 - Spider Jerusalem receives a phone call from his former editor at Driven Press inquiring to the whereabouts of the two books he owes the publisher by contract. Spider has to return to the City as a result. He packs up his belongings and blows up a bar. In the City, he gets a job as a columnist for The Word, working under city editor Mitchell Royce. For his first column, Spider chooses to write about the possible succession of the transients in the Angels 8 district, and interviews their leader, Fred Christ. Spider finds a cat. A riot starts in the transient district, Spider covers it from the roof of a strip joint. Channon Yarrow is an employee at the club. The column Spider writes is beamed out live, and public protest is successful in ending the riot, which was a setup by City Hall. Spider gets beat up by the cops as he heads home.
Spider attends the funeral for the Transients killed in the riot. (IHIH)
1 Week AT
Spider makes the mistake of buying ALTER gum, known for inducing multiple personality disorder. For ninety minutes Spider wanders through the Print district, believing he is a Norse tribal lawman from the Scando ghetto. He brutually beats a 10-year old boy and brands the child's mother, who was receiving oral sex from an out-of-work actor at the time. Fine print on the gum's wrapper reveals that ingestion of the gum absolves Spider of all actions taken. (IHIH)
2 Weeks AT
Transmetropolitan #4 - Channon Yarrow becomes Spider's new assistant. The President gives his first reelection speech at Arkadin Hall. Spider corners him in the bathroom with a bowel disruptor.
Spider and Channon revisit the strip club. Stomponato the police dog is there, looking for protection money and harassing the girls. Spider grabs the dog by the forepaws, pushes his ribcage in, and squeezes Stomponato's heart until he passes out. The police dog wakes up on the street wearing lipstick and a cocktail dress, lacking his "pride and joy." (T10)
Some time after the Angels 8 incident, but before the events of issue seven.
Transmetropolitan #5 - Spider spends an entire day watching television. He purchases a pair of Air Jesus shoes, terrorizes call-in television talk shows, and induces TV cook Della Kent to attempt suicide.
One Week Later3
Transmetropolitan #6 - Spider and Channon attend the New Religious Movement convention. Spider gets pissed and trashes the convention.
Transmetropolitan #7 - Channon is dumped by her boyfriend, Ziang Huai. The next day he is downloaded into the Autumn Rainfall Foglet Community. Spider takes Channon to watch the downloading.
Transmetropolitan #8 - Mary is taken out of cryogenic suspension. Spider Jerusalem is on hand to watch the revival, and writes a column about her.
Vertigo: Winter's Edge #2 - Spider is alone for the winter holidays. He tries calling Royce, who is visiting family outside the city. Spider does horrible things to some snowmen. A listener from SPKF interviews Spider about his holiday plans, upon which Spider declares he has raped and killed Santa Claus. Six thousand traumatized children are taken to the hospital.
A crowd of revelers gathers at Century Square to await the annual mistletoe drop at midnight. One thousand, two hundred and thirty-three cases of involuntary bowel movement are recorded. Some witnesses blame Spider Jerusalem. (IHIH)
South Foulness on the Nazareth Road celebrates Drink-My-Urine Day. This year attracts record crowds. (WE2)
Spider exposes the illegal practices of the George Wallace Oncogene Farm, who have been using refugee children from Turkey and Samoa as growth beds for anti-cancer trait genetic plug-ins. (T12)
One week before issue nine.
11 Weeks AT
Transmetropolitan #9 - Spider writes his eleventh column for The Word, and spends an entire day touring the Reservations. He tries to get laid and fails miserably. Channon quits and decides to become a Bride of Christ.
Transmetropolitan #10-12 - The cryogenically frozen head of Spider's ex-wife is stolen by the Zero Tactility Cult. Channon Yarrow leaves for the nunnery. Five hundred people sign a petition calling for the death of Spider Jerusalem. Three of the Oncogene farmers try to kill him. His insurance is rescinded, Stomponato is sent to arrest him. Spider is kidnapped by the Zero Tactility Cult, disposes of the head of his ex-wife, and defeats the French Secret Service assassination device. Stompanato takes a head-dive into the canal.
Two Months Later
Transmetropolitan #13 - The presidental election approaches full swing. Spider visits Kristin, decides he is sick of being in the city, and announces his intentions to cover the election.
Royce mentions that Spider hasn't been heard from in two months.
Transmetropolitan #14 - Yelena Rossini is assigned as Spider's assistant. Spider meets with Vita Severn, Alan Schact, and Senator Gary Callahan [The Smiler] about the presidental campaign. He abandons the meeting early, using source gas to spy on the aftermath. He writes a column denouncing the campaign.
One Week Later
Transmetropolitan #15 - Spider's column becomes major news. Bob Heller holds a campaign rally. Vita Severn pays a visit to Spider, impressing him enough that he endorses her and Callahan in his next column.
Transmetropolitan #16 - I Hate It Here is published by Driven Press. Spider becomes a major celebrity. He challenges the presidental candidates to fix the problems present in neighborhoods like Cluny Square. Spider and Yelena get drunk.
One Day Later
Transmetropolitan #17 - Spider and Yelena have sex, Yelena denies everything. Callahan commits to fix the problems outlined by Spider, and chooses his running mate, Representative Joshua Shreiber Freeh. Spider decides to destroy Freeh.
Kristin bets a significant amount on the likelihood of an assassination among the political staff of either candidate. (T34)
Transmetropolitan #18 - Spider does some investigative journalism. He discovers Freeh was born in a bastard farm. Spider and Yelena attempt to bust into a press conference, they are saved from the security guard by Channon Yarrow. Channon becomes Spider's new bodyguard. Spider interrupts the conference and reveals everything. Vita Severn is assassinated by Callahan's office to save his campaign.
The Next Day
"I Hate It Here" is not published in commemoration of the death of Vita Severn. (IHIH)
Kristin wins a significant amount of money off the assassination, and uses the cash to open a bar. (T34)
One Week Later
The Word relocates Spider to the Pastoral Mews apartment complex, to ensure his safety and their dollar earnings. (T19)
The Beast ceases to make personal appearances, forcing opponent Callahan to fight a campaign against himself. (T19)
Transmetropolitan #19 - Spider's popularity among City denizens increases dramatically. Spider goes for a walk around the city, experiences an emotional breakdown in his apartment, and begins an investigation into the murder of Vita Severn. Channon discovers that Spider and Yelena had sex.
Tranmetropolitan #20 - Spider goes for another walk and is disgusted by the stupidity of the people he encounters. Channon attempts to coax Yelena into confessing about the night she and Spider fucked. The President requests an interview with Spider.
One Day Later
Transmetropolitan #21 - Spider interviews the Beast. In a one-on-one confrontation, both men are completely honest with each other, leading to a physical exchange that the Secret Service breaks up. The Beast is proven to harbor vile and perverted beliefs while the Smiler harbors no beliefs at all.
One Week Later
Transmetropolitan #22 - Spider Jerusalem gets Mary her own apartment and buys her a camera. He also tells her about his ongoing investigation into Vita's murder, and admits he could be wrong. Spider helps out a little girl by getting her favorite toy back from the pawn shop.
Transmetropolitan #23 - Spider does an interview with Callahan. The candidate admits to everything Spider accused him of, including the murder of Vita Severn. Spider's recording equipment is sabotaged, rendering the confession worthless. Callahan vows to destroy Spider Jeusalem.
One Day Later
Transmetropolitan #24 - Channon and Yelena throw an election night party. Yelena admits she and Spider had sex and that she is not Mitchell Royce's niece. Gary Callahan is elected president.
Callahan is sworn in as the new President of the United States. He appears to speak in tongues for a full minute. (T25)
Transmetropolitan #25 - Spider Jerusalem does an interview in which he reveals his thoughts on death. Channon mauls the interviewer.
Transmetropolitan #26 - Spider writes a column detailing various facets of life in the City over a period of 21 days.
Day 1 - Spider sits on the sidewalk typing the new column, beginning with a confirmation of his hatred for the City and the people who live in it.
Day 2 - The Smiler's image is pasted on billboards and banners around the City.
The Night Before - Channon and Yelena pick up two teenagers in a bar and have sex with them in the apartment for nine hours and twenty-seven minutes.
That Day - Spider watches a couple standing on the sidewalk, and considers blowing off his own genitalia.
Day 4 - Spider meets a kid doing Mechanics in the park. Mechanics is a drug new enough that City denizens have not developed a resistance to it yet.
Day 5 - A man named Matteo buys himself a new set of genitials.
Day 6 - Spider takes a train to Venetian End to cover an intestine-rinsing competition. One the way there, he sees a Temp wearing dolphin traits in the Western Lakes.
Day 7 - Spider goes to the park to enjoy the sunlight.
Day 8 - Spider and Royce attend a Media Exploitation Meeting. Spider does horrible things to the media rep until Royce presents Spider with the royalty money.
Day 9 - Spider denounces the Right Love Organization and encourages City denizens to do something about the problems in their own neighborhoods.
Day 10 - A strain of intelligent psychopathic dog arises in the Hilbery Depth district of the City. Because of the danger presented by the dogs, Civic Center permits a Cull for only the third time in living memory. Spider Jerusalem is a Volunteer Cullmaster.
Day 11 - Spider visits his old neighborhood.
Day 12 - Spider goes to the supermarket.
Day 13 - Spider's phone line gets crossed and he has phone sex with a nominal female. Spider gets depressed. Channon and Yelena both have sex again.
Day 14 - Spider ponders his increasing isolation.
Day 15 - Spider sits on a dumpster, and threatens the person who stole his drugs.
Day 16 - Spider and Channon have a mock sumo-wrestling match.
Day 17 - Spider meets a kid who suffers from the naiveté trait. The trait causes the teenager to hallucinate that God is telling him not to cross the street.
Day 18 - Spider visits Vita Severn's shrine. He continues his investigation into her death.
Day 19 - Internal strife continues in the Ludgate East district. Tourism is on the rise there, bringing in money that allows the war to continue.
Day 20 - Spider gets a new television set that allows him to smell, taste and feel the programs in addition to sight and sound. He destroys the set.
Day 21 - Spider concludes the column.
Transmetropolitan #27 - Senator Tarleton Sweeney is accused of funding porno films. Spider and the filthy assistants go monstering after him. They discover the accusations are true and were leaked to the press by Mr. Grisham.
Vertigo: Winter's Edge #3 - Spider muses about the meaning of winter, and gets into a brutal snowball fight with Channon and Yelena.
The Spider Jerusalem essay collection "Lonely City" is published. (T28)
Transmetropolitan #28-30 - Rory Lockwood is beaten to death by four assailants and a police cover-up is initiated. Spider begins an investigation that forces the CPD to release their information and arrest the murderers. A mob gathers outside the Dante Street precinct and the suspects are let out on bail, causing a minor skirmish. The police assault the crowd with deadly force, intentionally killing everyone on the street. Spider and the filthy assistants escape with their lives and the story, having discovered that the police were behind the murder in the first place. The cause of the riot is covered up and Spider's column is censored by presidental order.
2 1/2 AT
Transmetropolitan #31 - Spider retreats into a world of drug hallucinations and television. His life has been adapted for television into a cuddly anime, an overblown action tale and typically bad porn. Spider has a heroic revenge fantasy and an ugly paranoid dream while passed out on the kitchen floor.
Transmetropolitan #32 - Spider goes for a walk in the city, realizing how his low his stature has sunk since he became victim to censorship. The Fairmead apartment block is cleared of squatters by police in tanks. Spider sends his Dante Street column to pirate news feedsite The Hole to be published, causing a widespread media frenzy.
Transmetropolitan #33 - Channon and Yelena escape from the apartment and go shopping. They are followed by government agents and then buy some guns which they use to kill several of their pursuers.
Transmetropolitan #34 - Spider writes a column and receives a delivery. He goes to visit Kristin, who knew Vita Severn was going to be assassinated. He then visits a church of Mary Vestal Slut, which was formerly a Right Love Cell and a regular destination of Presidental Advisor Alan Schact.
Transmetropolitan #35 - Spider visits Fred Christ to garner information on the Callahan campaign. Spider uses a telefactoring system to travel to California to find Mrs. Callahan and her kids. He later tracks down one of the suspects in the Rory Lockwood case and beats him up for information on the murder. Spider also visits the Hotel Avalon and the Vita Severn shrine. Spider sends his column to Royce, who runs it without having it approved.
June 14, 20474
Tranmetropolitan #36 - Spider's column exposing the Callahan presidency is published. Alan Schact commits suicide. Spider empties his bank account and maxes out his company credit card. Kristin is assassinated outside her bar. The Word board of directors fires Spider Jerusalem. Spider and the filthy assistants leave his apartment.
Transmetropolitan #37-38 - Lindsay from the Hotel Avalon is killed as he leaves work. Spider and the filthy assistants meet with representatives from The Hole who agree to carry his column. The group goes for a drink in a bar where someone gets the drop on Spider in the bathroom. Spider and Channon kill the assailants. They go back to their hotel, where Yelena asks Spider about how many people he's killed and later starts to doubt his sanity. Spider goes out to write.
One Week Later
Transmetropolitan #39 - Spider writes his first column for The Hole. The Smiler begins making changes to the Constitution. Spider realizes he is sick.
Transmetropolitan #40 - Spider interviews child prostitutes.
Transmetropolitan #41 - Spider interviews mental patients living on the streets, looking for information on the assassination of Vita Severn.
Tranmetropolitan # 42 - Spider writes a column about the reinvention of the City under President Callahan.
Transmetropolitan #43-45 - A sniper in the Print District begins shooting people on the street at random. He continues unhindered due to the lack of cops on duty, as most of the force has called out sick. The Print District is evacuated, so no news is being reported since the newsgathering system is centrallized. The lack of cops doing surveillance and the inability of the mainstream journalists to report the news leads Spider to believe that something is going on elsewhere that the President does not want anyone to know about. The City is deluged by a massive electrical storm, in which Spider is seriously injured. Yelena decides to write his column for him.
The Filthy Assistants bring Spider to Yelena's house and call a doctor. (T46)
Four Days Later
Transmetropolitan #46 - Spider wakes from his coma. He is diagnosed with I-Pollen Related Cognition Damage. Spider resolves to finish his work before his mind is completely gone.
Transmetropolitan #47 - Spider meets Yelena's father. The President visits the city and gives a speech about the recent disaster and recovery. Spider confronts him at the press conference, publicly vowing to bring the President down.
Transmetropolitan #48 - It is discovered that the media archival system has been completely decimated, wiping all of Spider's evidence against President Callahan in the process. Spider prepares to start over. The President's wife and children are killed in a car accident.
Transmetropolitan #49-50 - Channon wakes up to find Spider in bed next to her. Spider and the Filthy Assistants visit the Vita Severn Memorial Federal Disaster Zone. They then pay yet another visit to Fred Christ. Spider beats the shit out of Fred and gets information about the relationship between Christ and Callahan.
Transmetropolitan #51 - Mitchell Royce recovers all the lost evidence from the Callahan investigation and hands it over to Spider.
Transmetropolitan #52 - Spider and the Filthy Assistants track down Liesl Barclay. She is the only surviving hooker to service Gary Callahan. Spider and Yelena accompany Liesl back to her apartment where they are attacked by two men in blur suits. Spider kills one and Yelena shoots the other with a bowel disruptor. They take Liesl away in Yelena's car.
Transmetropolitan #53-54 - Spider brings Liesl to Qi's home. He interviews Liesl and gets genetic proof that Callahan had sex with her. Spider writes his column and publishes it over the Hole. National Guard troops kill everyone in the Reclaimation Zone and claiming that a riot was in progress.
The Tikal reservation shuts down. Most of inhabitants have died from diseases present in the sacred waters surrounding the city. The waters were the dumping ground for sacrificed human corpses, rotting heads were thrown into the water on a regular basis. (T9)