COMICS CULTURE SHRAPNEL from CBEM 297

Adventures in Customer Service

It's the week after Christmas. For those in the retail industry, that means only one thing: returns. And lots of them. All the clothes that don't fit, the electronic gadgets that don't work, useless knickknacks that are just darn ugly. And broken toys. I thought that at least for the latter item, my days of suffering were over. I don't play with toys anymore. As an example, this year for Christmas I got two pairs of pants, a sweater, a long-sleeved T-shirt, some perfume, shower gel. Very adult stuff, not meant for mind-numbing hours of fun. It wasn't all boring: I got a copy of Final Fantasy IX, one of those hideously adorable plush Delirium dolls from DC, and a nicely sculpted Ryoko action figure from McFarlane Toys.

The figure broke in the first five minutes I had it.

I untied the little ties and took the Ryoko figure out. No problem. Then I tired to pull her little sidekick, Ryo-Ohki, out. The figure was practically melded into the plastic, so no surprise that the ear broke off when I finally got it out. I figured super-glue would save the day, and continued to empty the package. I took the staff out, attempted to place it in Ryoko's hand as per the directions, and.... SNAP. Right off in her hand.

I was angry. I was also embarrassed, because it made me feel like a big klutz. But as anyone who has purchased a McFarlane Toy knows, these things are quality merchandise. They shouldn't break that easily. Goodness knows that if the man can't do comics anymore (and some would say he never did), he certainly makes some great toys.

If you consider them toys, especially considering feeling I got that the figure was never meant to come out of the package. In the photo on the back, Ryoko holds the the staff and it's crooked to the right. Dutiful photographers and graphic designers at work to create the perfect packaging.

Now, I resolved to contact the company and somehow remedy this situation. I was hoping for a replacement; after all, that's what Moore Creations gave me. My boyfriend had bought me the Kabuki action figure and I had taken it out and set up all the cool accessories. One day as I was playing with it (yes, playing, but I assure you, not too rough) I bent her leg and the knee broke. I found the phone number on the package and called the company, and they sent me a new figure still in the package, no questions asked. It came in a huge box stuffed with paper, arriving in a few short days.

I hoped for something similar from McFarlane toys. Upon examining both the instructions and the package itself, I found no phone number, not even an address. The only indication of any company contact was the "Spawn.com" printed prominently in the corner. So I headed there, and found absolutely no web page or e-mail address to contact for a solution. Not even a webmaster to pester. I kept looking, believing that someone must be behind this madness.

Eventually I stumbled into the "Where to buy figures" section which pointed me to the e-commerce division of McFarlane toys. I finally found a customer service e-mail, wrote to them explaining the problem, and eventually got an answer. I was given several choices, including one to send the entire figure back and have them send me a new one, first examining it to check for defects. I opted to just receive a replacement staff and Ryo-Ohki, since I'm notoriously horrid at sending out packages. I'm happy that the solution is supposedly on its way, I'll be happier when I can put the figure on my shelf with all the others.

I was just looking at the front of the package, and in the bottom left-hand corner is a red circle that reads "AGES 5 & UP." Yes, but could it survive the punishment? I checked the other figures I had. Kabuki has a choking hazard warning but no recommended age group. Spider Jerusalem (another present from my boyfriend) is apparently "FOR AGES 8 & UP." The figure could probably take whatever punishment the average eight-year-old could give it (it is Spider, after all), but what eight-year-old is even reading Transmetropolitan? Meanwhile, a figure from a show on the Cartoon Network, a Japanese show that has been toned down for children at that, breaks easily and poses a choking hazard to kids just two years under the recommended age. Something is not right.

It seems to be a prime month for beating on Todd, and it's usually about comics. I don't really care about the comics, they never appealed to me. But the toys I like. Must something else I'm fond of be ruined? The package advertises Spawn.com as "toys - movies - tv - animation - music videos - comic books - sports." Toys are the first thing listed there. So they should do it right. McFarlane needs to remember what a toy is, and who plays with them. Not everyone is an anal "never been out of the package" collector. I enjoy comics more when I read them and toys more when I get to play with them. It would do a lot of people well to remember this.