First off, I'd like to say I hate you all. I hate the people who didn't bother to answer the survey, you buncha wussies. Is it really that embarrassing? Hmm... I guess it is.

And the rest of you... I really really hate you. You are the most annoying bunch of assholes. I give up, so here it is. The sex survey. I told everybody it was going to be a doozy, but no one believed me... so there. I've managed to push the limits of good taste. And so have all of you....

Imagine, if you will, you're strolling through Greenwich Village, that ever famous lair of freaks and weirdos, and you just happen to stroll into a random store, one that sells bondage wear and sex toys. (Okay, so you walked in there on purpose, that's not the point. Danielle, stop giggling.) Anyway, in the store you find a magical [fill in sex toy of choice here] inside which lives a genie who offers you anything you wish. The wish has two stipulations, however. they are:

a) the wish must be sex-related
b) it can't directly involve yourself

KingArchon@aol.com:
Gee, this is a toughie. The toy would have to be a pair of magic handcuffs, which handcuff Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt together. My wish would be that they live a solitary life, humping away at each other, and never make films again.

Andrew Lozupone:
If I had but one sex related wish not involving me it would have to be for the penguins. It would be for all penguins of all races to have joyous sex with each other and mate 'till their hearts content. To breed merrifully and produce masses of baby penguins, so they can breed like their parents to fill the world with their great presence.

GrnArrow16@aol.com:
well, obviously, i would wish that every time two (or more) people engaged in the act of sex (vaginal penetration via penis, or anal) they would explode. the cock would detonate with the force of a landmine, reducing the fuckers to bloody, perhaps flaming, chunks. this will effectively kill the human race, and i'll have a great time watching motel room windows. just sit in the parking lot and bring an umbrella. oral sex, of course, will survive. and the lesbians. and the queers. but it will be interesting to see if, after all the heteros are gone, they will fuck each other just to perpetuate the species. virgins will be shot.

Zack Taylor:
oh its quite simple.

Toy: clear Gelatinous buttplug w/ blue sparklies inside

Wish: To be able to snap at someone and aerosmith would appear and gangrape said person.

MacCaislin@aol.com:
I'll take this as a first-instinct question rather than put any thought into it and I'll just say that all girls would be a little less protective of their bodies. Slander welcome to be ignored.

Spike Gronim:
Toy: "Remote Control Cock Ring" - A remote control, but for your cock. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down, but preferrably up. Oh yeah, with a nice chain so you could where it around your neck, or tie it to your belt or something.

Wish: I want one of these mailed to every sexually active human male on the planet. The clause being that for all the dumb fucks, rapists, and politicians, both buttons would be the "down" button. Also, both buttons would be permanent for these people.

FeyPiper@aol.com:
"From now on, Mr. Genie, the saying is: 'whenever a bell rings, an angel has an orgasm'."

Darrin Cayton:
Personally, I would much love one thing to change. My goal with de womenfolks has always been and always will be to pleaseumifiy dem, in an intense and powerfully pleasurable way. If anybody can't fiure out what I'm talking about here, go play a game of chucking the beaver and hopefully (although not all the time) you'll know what I'm talking about. Anyways,I would simply ask that he make the female G-spot in an easy to find, easy accessible place (suggestions have been: forehead, lips, elbows, kneecaps, palms, entire dermal layer of the body) and that it's sensitivity be bumped up a hundred fold, BUT, it only works for people born on the same day as mine, May 11, 1982.

Morgan Kinfae:
I would have it be one of those toys that go over the, urm, male organ. Every man that used his too often and with too many people would suddenly see the magical toy appear over him, chop off a piece of their anatomy that they obviously value, and then shred it before their eyes so there is no possibility of reattachment *ever*. Then, of course, I would like all of the subsequent reactions videotaped for my personal viewing pleasure. And i would label the videos and then advertise on the internet, so that women could go, hunt for their favorite shmuck, and pay me $20 apiece to own it. This waay i would become rich as well as highly amused.

My other choice would be to have the genie create two creatures who look like CLoud and Sephiroth, except with the personality of a Lasombra and the sense of humor of a Tsimisce. They would be equipped with Fleshcraft, Aegis, and would be conditioned to tour places like the Bank hunting for Gothling victims. This way, all the foolish people who try to go home with "the pretty asian-like gothy vampire boys" would have their genes eliminated from the pool.

DoNotExist@aol.com:
I wish to finally obtain my 100 concubines. They are to be mostly male, able-bodied, perfectly loyal and obedient, skilled in all things sexual, and able to grow tentacles at will. Several will be female, for variety, and one will look exactly like me, and have all the relevant knowledge in any subject my college might decide to test me on. I'll wish for them to be portable and low-maintenance, as well, so they can occupy one of the rat cages when not in use, or fit comfortably in my pocket or backpack.

A second choice for the wish, although I'm not sure whether this is legal according to the regulations, would be to make my body more, er, robust in certain areas. Because I'm fairly sure it was not designed for extensive sexual activity, seeing as how it gets most annoyingly sore in all kinds of unpleasant places and stays that way for days. Um, yeah.

TwstedHero@aol.com:
I've been thinking about my survey answer. Originally I was going to engineer the genetic content of each and every sperm in existence to my specifications. We'd have more racial diversity than Star Wars, in a single generation. But it wouldn't be fair the way I'm thinking to do it now, with each individual sperm's genetic makeup altered. We'd have diversity, true, but it wouldn't be fair. My offspring would be the only true humans. And likely inferior to the rest of the world. So I think I have a better idea. The genetic alteration of every ovum. Much less to deal with, and more programmable. See, here's how it'd work.

Each egg would be engineered exactly the same. Mutable and universally compatible. Genetic data would be drawn from the DNA, but would not be a copy of said. Instead it would be interpreted and altered. The offspring's physical form would resemble the temperament of it's parents. Combined, with a random factor, as well as safeguards to ensure that the resulting organism is capable of a productive, independent, happy life.

Also, the physical form would be drawn partially from the mind's of the parents. Primarily the mother, of course. But there are strings of bases that make up a large percentage of DNA that serve an unknown purpose. These hold memories and emotions. As an example, Danielle's child. She's a bit of an eccentric semi-cat person. Highly intelligent and not quite as messed up as the rest of us. At least, not visibly. Lithe and agile, with decidedly feline aspects. Inquisitive and highly intelligent, but tempered with a kindness absent from your average housecat. You can see how it draws data from the personality.

This of course does not take into account her partner. A mix with, say, me (I'm the best example I know, this implies NOTHING), would result in something quite different. The feline aspect remains, but it would also be visibly draconic. Taller, thinner, even more agile. Angular, with natural weaponry built into it. Perhaps serrated forearm blades, and nonfunctional wings. But still feline. And a tendency towards quiet contemplation.

Relatively passive despite it's fearsome appearance, and kind. Also rather erratic. This is the kind of diversity you get. There would of course be regional tendencies. Crawling out of the "harder" places (Ghettos, warzones, etc.) would be large creatures, armored, powerful, all spikes and blades and gleaming et cetera. And more disposed towards violence. All species would be able to intermingle, no two would be incompatible.

And to address the issue of childbirth, well... A stipulation of the wish. Survivable childbirth. Along with genetically altered eggs, and the methods of determining the offspring. Oh, and the specifics would also depend on the frame of mind present during conception. The closeness resultant would make the bulk of our progeny, even the violent ones, incredibly beautiful. Of course, there's the matter of medical attention and care...

Save the most deviant, internal structures would generally be comparable to one another in function and location. Still, being a practicing surgeon or physician would be a bit harder than today. But we would manage. However, I shudder to think what the offspring of two racists would be... and there will be a good number of them in the beginning, especially once they realize what is happening. Small, xenophobic, weak, frightened, hateful. Pitiful beings.

But you know what they say. Make an omelet, gotta crack a few heads. And it would smooth out over the millennia. And can you imagine example Cat-Dragon-Man child with cybernetic augmentations? Now, to think I got all this from Ye Olde Sex Shoppe. Out of an aerosol can of Spray-Lube no less. Sorry I couldn't be more original:) Did I mention I have an IQ of 10?

Personally, I'd like it so that the words "sex" and "intern" are never uttered in the same sentence by the mass media ever again. I really don't ask for much. I just really hate Lewinsky jokes.

Oh, I forgot, my favorite response, and perhaps validation that I went too far:

Don Chauvette:
Please remove this address from any more of these sick surveys.

Oops. And the next survey won't be like this. Not a promise. Just cold, hard fact.

Typed while listening to Homework by Daft Punk and drinking Country Time lemonade.