Yup, I finally got around to doing real work on this page, and posting these up... despite the fact they got flushed down the commode, and I had to whip out the plunger and suck them back up, so maybe I didn't get everything, because the toilet keeps making these funny noises....
Oh, if yours isn't here, it might be best if you resend.
Q: If there existed an action figure of yourself, as you are now, what would it be like? What kind of "action" would it have? What accessories would it come with? What would be the blurb on the box?
FTFOI@aol.com:
Awesome Ravin' Rob! Press the button and he really raves! Includes Panneled bell-bottoms and adidas snap-pants and two randomly selected T-shirts (collect all 8!) Awesome Ravin' Rob also comes with real glowsticks for himself and you!
IISTaNII@aol.com:
My box would be in the shape of a soda bottle. It would be this way because I would want to be new and original. Also my box would have many uses. These would be o fill with, as soda, water, and other liquids. You could also use it as a defense. You could it people with it, and be able to defend yourself from attackers. (The hitting and abusing of people wouldn't be encouraged.) On the back of my box it would have my stats:
- 5 foot 10 inches
- brown hair
- brown eyes
- DOB- 4-14-83
Special Facts- (my features)
Can add random numbers quickly (with calculator hidden under back of shirt)
Great at many things :purr:
Smart, athletic, fun to be around, funny (some of the time), and an all around great person.
I would come with a pair of sunglasses, real size pocket accessories (knife, chapstick, and other useful things) I would be your favorite action figure, and you would adore me, and admire me for everything that i am.
Lepracan@aol.com:
Oooh action figures. Hey kids quick get your Jacobtm action figure with deluxe sarcasm action, just press the button on it's back and it will say something sarcastic like "I've got your lucky charms right here." Also included is spazing action, hey kids just tweak the lever and your Jacobtm figure will start shaking and throwing his hands about. Act now and you'll get a special Little Brothertm figure, just to annoy the hell out of Jacobtm. Act now, supplies are limited.
D. Chauvette:
My action figure would have to be called Mr. Resistor (because all the other names I thought up are already copyrighted)
If you pull on his arm it would pop right off. Playing with him would be a chore because he always wants to do something else. Squeeze his head and he'll spout offensive remarks about your questionable heritage, or say something random like "What was the Dow Jones Industrial average today?" and "Mr. Winky doesn't feel good." It would be made of a hyperallergenic plastic and any exposure would result in a full body rash. Every thousandth figure would contain the flesh eating virus.
*%:
Well, the figure would be a representation of my human form. Its "action" would be to seperate down the middle, revealing a translucent
red plastic "energy mass", representative of my true form, inside.
Accessories: The Increment. (Nothing else is important.) Blurb: "Special Limited Edition. No. __of S. The true form of 'Auroch' (My real name is 17 billion characters long, and consequently wouldn't fit on the box; so they call me Auroch), complete with human host and Increment! Ages 6 and up. WARNING: Hazard - Not for humans. You are not ready. "
SnorkJoe@aol.com:
From the same people who brought you Sedentary Satan, the evil quadraplegic, comes the greatest action figure of them all...
Hm.
I can't seem to think of one.
I suppose I should start with a name. G.I. Joe is simply too obvious. I'll need something a bit catchier if I want thousands of kiddies grabbing my movable parts.
I think G.I. Jew has been done before.
Yet again, hmm...
Here's one.
Ninja Graduate!
Annoying square cap doubles as throwing star!
Comes complete with plastic gown to smother his opponents!
Tassel releases poison gas on impact!
Talk to Ninja Graduate, and he will be forced to smile politely and shake hands until the cows come home (Cows sold seperately) regardless of the fact that nothing of value has entered his plastic brain!
(Due to excessive nudity Ninja Graduate may be illegal in certain states. Do not allow infants or hemophiliacs to play with Ninja Graduate, or he will be forced to employ his flying death move, in which he jumps up to his room and wastes all his time answering surveys.)
FeyPiper@aol.com:
UNPREDICTABLE JOSH: THE ACTION FIGURE YOU SHOULDN'T TURN YOUR BACK ON!!!
This smiling, multicultural, high-impact plastic action figure is fun and
educational for kids of all ages, will calmly listen to your child's problems,
provide Republican-sanctioned responses ("The bully beats you up because he's
a liberal, darling, but with God's help and, when you turn eighteen, your vote
for the death penalty, we can legally kill him in Texas.") and endure hours of
verbal and physical abuse until he tries to kill you for no particular reason.
Comes free with straitjacket, stainless steel cage, and 5-16 concealed deadly
weapons on Josh's body. Fun for all ages.
DoNotExist@aol.com:
The Amazing Renie would be made of a pressure-sensitive material, to account for me easially bruising. If you press a part, it will turn all kinds of interesting colors and stay that way for a bit. It would also be coated with a substance that makes cats run in fear, and dogs approach the figure and lick it muchly. And it would be very fragile. So you'd have to buy a new one after every game of "Kick the Renie."*
It would be dressed in a grey shirt and blue jeans and black boots. The clothing would not be removable. It would, however, come with two pairs of underwear: men's, and women's; the underwear would be changeable.**
If you pull on one 'o the blonde strands of hair, it'll say "Spoink!" or "Argh, fuck me!" or "You philistine swine!" or "Don't do that!" or a number of other things that need exlamation points after them.***
It would come with an assortment of miniature dowels, a moist towelette, and some crazy glue. Also, if you twist the limbs back far enough, it will scream.****
* The need for frequent replacements makes me, the designer, lots of money.
** Now hiring people that can figure out how that could be done.
*** The voice will not actually be mine. Some deep-voiced British guy will be hired to record these phrases. British accents are cool.
**** For realism and fun.
***** Don't worry; no part of the doll will actually be scratch 'n sniff.
Krazy Kombative Krissy!
This deluxe action figure is equipped with 16 points of articulation, including some deemed impossible through common scientific inquiry!
Your Krissy figure comes dressed in the latest in standard lesbianish grunge wear, complete with wrinkles and chocolate stains! Every doll is equipped with Honchostm steel toed boots, and each minute scuff, scrape, and smudge is hand painted by sweatshop workers in Singapore, the very same that work for Niketm!
The Krissy doll comes with a wide range of accessories, including the mystical "Microverse" ball, a translucent purple ball filled with smaller multicolored pellets! And each ball is outfitted with a small microchip that enables the ball to make as much noise as the full sized original! Your parents will adore it!
Other accessories include a miniature bottle of Surgetm, the fully loaded citrus soda, complete with sound effects, such as the traditional opening hiss, and the rallying cry of "SURGE!" A miniature Vickstm inhailer is also included, for that legal mid-morning high every teenager needs!
Your Krissy figure comes loaded with action! Poke her, and she can kick at unseen speeds! Push the nose button, and her hair will spring out in a frightening summer humidity frizz! The figure also comes equipped with a voice chip, spouting such memorable phrases as "Go to class!" "You are such a culture anemic!" and "I am NOT a lesbian."
So get bruised today by buying and then insulting a Krissy action figure!* It's NOT a life enriching experience!
*WARNING: Manufacturer is not responsible if doll escapes from package and causes bodily harm to casual shoppers.
This is the bottom of the page. There are no more responses. If you would like to see more responses, contact your nearest and dearest and tell them *that* you will brutally and painfully remove their gentialia with your meaty, calloused hands if they don't send in a response.